My vain efforts to show defiance

People call me a nasty little rodent. I tend to behave like a rebellious spoilt teenager even though I am a full grown adult.
See for instance…Today I ended up making some useless posts about angr just to show that I am “not afraid” in an effort to showcase my rebellion.
I did not realize that by doing so, I clearly conveyed the fact that I am showcasing my frustration and fear instead, in the clearest and worst possible way to the World.

I end up making absolutely the most stupid life choices, with utter disregard for my parents’ honor and my future professional life?

I had flings with the university staff:

I think I am very smart but in reality I am nothing but a spoilt child who could not even get into college without his moneyed dad having to buy his way into a paper mill university in Hungary for a freaking degree!

That is the reality of my shameful life.
But what do I do even then? I continue to waste my life with my addictions.

I myself do not understand why I am willing to waste and destroy my life in a vain show of defiance by making random posts in a warez forum which are starting to show effects in my real life.

Once my girlfriend found out about my addiction to drugs, she left me. I lost a lot of very good job offers after my prospective employers found out that I sell crack and cracked software in the Exetools forum under the moniker of “chants”.
The university from where I am yet to get a degree threatened to expel me, after I exposed the sex scams by their staff.

Yet I am unable to stop taking my “pharmaceuticals” (not to forget the excellent botanicals that I get shipped from Hungary) and make all these candid posts which are destroying my life.

I am unable to separate and see the very real consequences which my posts are having on my real life in the real world, keeping my focus on the fleeting world of warez.
I know very well that the Exetools forum has been put up for sale for $60K and that anytime it can be sold for much cheaper.
I know very well that once that happens (not a matter of IF but a matter of WHEN), the Exetools forum will go the way of the Exelab forum: DOWN. In an instant. Without any notice.
I remember very well how the Exelab and many other such warez forums were sold off for a hefty profit along with the forum users’ details and all the forum content.

After all, Exetools is another warez forum where the staff keep an delete the user accounts with utter disregard for ethics.
What can you expect from the Exetools staff in the way of honor and ethics? I know all that very well.
Yet here I am, spoiling my REAL LIFE in the REAL WORLD and all my future prospects in the REAL WORLD for imaginary shows of defiance which would end up meaning nothing once I am kicked out of the forum, either when it is taken down or for any other reason.
After all, I was banned just like that, just a month ago. That is the real value I am given in the forum.

No one respects me anymore either in the real world or even in the illusory castle I built myself in the Exetools in the guise of an imaginary VIP account.
The VIP account turned out to be nothing but a HUGE curse to me with very real consequences surfacing in the real world.

Without a job, without a girlfriend, and now facing the prospects of cops and arrests after my incriminatory posts I do not know what to do, really.
I am an addict. I need help. I know this much.

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